Frostwriting

KNOWLEDGE, THRESHOLD

by Rachel Barenblat

KNOWLEDGE

I knew
but I didn’t want to know
I turned away from knowing
I pretended I was fine

I put myself to bed
whispering
please let it be all right
please let it be all right

such uneasy sleep
cramps and backache
and when I woke
blood everywhere

in the harsh light
of the hotel bathroom
I started to sob
and could not stop

THRESHOLD

After a week
something shifts.

No longer thinking
“on Friday I was still…”

We return to the life
we already know

and love, evenings
by the fire again.

Wine and coffee
and raw yellowtail

and if I stay up too late
reading about wolves

no one chides me.
We set aside plans

for converting a room
reshaping our days.

I remember how
to resent my curves.

It comes to seem
like a dream, impossible

that we ever hovered
on this threshold

or imagined ourselves
ready to go through.